it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
