there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
