Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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