miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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