I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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