Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
