Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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