i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
