I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
this boner is exhausting
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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