Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
