my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
