Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
my liver is dry heaving
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
