Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
