i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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