you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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