Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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