i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
