Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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