Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
