Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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