Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize