How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
