The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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