I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
