Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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