I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize