I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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