I accidentally had phone sex last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
