Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
