My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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