somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
