2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
