I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
