I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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