He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
