I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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