When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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