Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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