if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
