ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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