I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
