Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize