i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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