Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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