There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize