Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
