It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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