If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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