remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
