Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
