I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
