what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
