where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize