The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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