At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize