I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
