In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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