I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
