I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I cannot find my penis.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
